Rainy Day Reflections

I had a relatively crappy day today. To be perfectly honest, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by school and life. Last night I was up late trying to finish an article for the school paper and had a serious mental block. I talked to the Prince of PA last night online for a good while. After I broke up with my exBF a friend recommended this book with my best interests at heart. One of the things I got from it was that I shouldn’t admit emotional weakness to a prospective partner early in a relationship. You should never tell the new person how refreshing their behavior is in comparison to the loser you just broke up with lest he think that you don’t value yourself – or something along those lines. If we can’t be honest with the people we love with whom then can we be honest? So,…here goes nothing. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. It is nice to know that someone who cares about me has my best interest at heart. You are indeed a romantic with the soul of a poet. I enjoy hearing that you miss me and that you are proud of my accomplishments. It is good to feel wanted, beautiful and vibrant.
I just got out of a relationship with someone who was often motivated by his own self-interest. There were times that he was “being honest” and it hurt. There are ways to speak your truth with tact. He also took me for granted and I realize now that in part I enabled him to do just that. It was good to feel needed and loved and in the beginning, it didn’t bother me that I was giving and giving. The laundry and dishes, buying groceries for him and accommodating his schedule without much regard to what I wanted or needed or could afford at the time. Then one day I woke up, realized that I was unhappy, and wanted out. A pair of oversized mittens can keep you warm but nothing beats a pair of gloves that fit you perfectly.
I got scared last night. In talking to the PPA I realized that I was still holding on to some baggage from past relationships. I am slowly warming to the idea that someone could want to be with me, the actual me rather than an expectation of who I should be. This is new territory for me.
Talked to my roommates this evening and had a breakthrough. I’ve decided to ask for help when I need it and to delegate some authority in club and tone down my involvement with other activities. I want and need to address some of my own priorities right now. As I am writing this, I realize that I am in a different headspace than when I started writing. I’m not scared anymore. I feel at peace and am happy. It is ok that I have some stuff yet to process and I know that you will support me as I move through this time of change. I’m glad that I can bare my soul to you without fear of reproach. Part of my task now is discovering what it is that I want out of life right in this moment and how to go about making my way in the world. I have some questions to answer about the motivations behind the choices I make in my relationships with others and how I can get away from doing things out of a sense of duty or obligation. I want to meet you as a whole person. Ahhh (sighing)….there is so much I want to say to you in this moment. My eyelids are closing, though, and I can’t be asked to try and keep them open anymore. All told, the day might have been yuck but I will go to bed content with a greater sense of clarity and optimism for the future.