Limitations of Matter

Last night I attended a speaker night at school. Four different DCs spoke. The evening left me with quite a bit to ponder and process. The inspirational stories they shared with us as well as their passion for the betterment of human kind through chiropractic uplifted me and I was giddy. We left school and piled into my car heading for J’s house to have hot coco and tea. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I heard a noise but dismissed it quickly. We climbed up the street and I heard another sound and turned off the radio to cut out as much extraneous noise as possible. It was the unmistakable fwump fwump sound of a flat tire making its revolution. I quickly pulled into the alleyway by the gym and we emptied my trunk and got to work. The universe provided several knowledgeable friends and the muscle to get the job done. I still had my headlamp in the car and it became quite useful. Security with their impeccable timing showed up just as we were piling back into the car. We turned around, pulled out and parked in the church parking lot. Then it was on to J’s house for fellowship, ice cream and something warm to drink. I look forward to future fellowship with these wise women.
Twice last night I spoke with the MIB – the first time during the tire changing adventure and then later just before leaving J’s house. The second time I spoke with him I shared with him a revelation that I had while listening to the last speaker talk. I realized that it is important for me from a conceptual standpoint to reject the fact that he has diabetes. I do him a grave disservice by thinking of him as someone with a disease for it limits my ability to see him as a whole person. I remember when I got terribly ill in middle school and how I struggled with the pity others showed me because I couldn’t eat this or that and was so immune compromised. All the allowances that had to be made for me and the tiptoeing pissed me off. Then slowly I began to refuse to accept that I was ill and that I realized that the only limits I faced were of my own creation. A diagnosis is a tricky thing indeed. Many ill people won’t rest until they have a name for their disease or condition. When given a diagnosis, it is not surprising that they may actually develop more symptoms manifesting the disease for which they now have a name. Once named, they adopt their disease, take it home, and set a place for it at the dining room table. Dr. M says that the greatest disservice we can show our patients is being more interested in their disease than in their potential for the perfect expression of the great I AM. This brings me back to the MIB and to my own great experiment. I am in the evolution business and have a clear idea that I will look like a very different version of myself in a year. The MIB knows that I am not asking him to stop taking his insulin. I am inviting him to challenge his conceptions of the limitations of his own matter and see what results.
This also brings me to an uncomfortable thought. The last speaker was right up my alley talking about quantum mechanics and perceptions of time and reality. She posited an interesting hypothesis that if we consider that chiropractic removes interference and allows for a more perfect expression of human consciousness that we may actually be shortening people’s lives. Let me back up a bit lest I lose you. She talked about how in here current state of consciousness she believes that we are all here to fulfill a certain number of tasks, our soul purpose. When we have reached our goal, we will be done literally and figuratively. Therefore, someone under chiropractic care could potentially achieve their soul purpose in 20 years rather than 80. I’m still chewing on this one. I take comfort in the knowledge that I am a spiritual being having a physical experience on this earth. When I die, only my physical being will decay and my spirit will continue in some other form of expression. The part that I am uncomfortable with is the idea that in my quest for the fulfillment of my destiny that I may be rushing to the finish line. Living to 400 doesn’t sound like much fun, however, I’m not mentally or emotionally prepared to meet my maker any time soon.

Rainy Day Reflections

I had a relatively crappy day today. To be perfectly honest, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by school and life. Last night I was up late trying to finish an article for the school paper and had a serious mental block. I talked to the Prince of PA last night online for a good while. After I broke up with my exBF a friend recommended this book with my best interests at heart. One of the things I got from it was that I shouldn’t admit emotional weakness to a prospective partner early in a relationship. You should never tell the new person how refreshing their behavior is in comparison to the loser you just broke up with lest he think that you don’t value yourself – or something along those lines. If we can’t be honest with the people we love with whom then can we be honest? So,…here goes nothing. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. It is nice to know that someone who cares about me has my best interest at heart. You are indeed a romantic with the soul of a poet. I enjoy hearing that you miss me and that you are proud of my accomplishments. It is good to feel wanted, beautiful and vibrant.
I just got out of a relationship with someone who was often motivated by his own self-interest. There were times that he was “being honest” and it hurt. There are ways to speak your truth with tact. He also took me for granted and I realize now that in part I enabled him to do just that. It was good to feel needed and loved and in the beginning, it didn’t bother me that I was giving and giving. The laundry and dishes, buying groceries for him and accommodating his schedule without much regard to what I wanted or needed or could afford at the time. Then one day I woke up, realized that I was unhappy, and wanted out. A pair of oversized mittens can keep you warm but nothing beats a pair of gloves that fit you perfectly.
I got scared last night. In talking to the PPA I realized that I was still holding on to some baggage from past relationships. I am slowly warming to the idea that someone could want to be with me, the actual me rather than an expectation of who I should be. This is new territory for me.
Talked to my roommates this evening and had a breakthrough. I’ve decided to ask for help when I need it and to delegate some authority in club and tone down my involvement with other activities. I want and need to address some of my own priorities right now. As I am writing this, I realize that I am in a different headspace than when I started writing. I’m not scared anymore. I feel at peace and am happy. It is ok that I have some stuff yet to process and I know that you will support me as I move through this time of change. I’m glad that I can bare my soul to you without fear of reproach. Part of my task now is discovering what it is that I want out of life right in this moment and how to go about making my way in the world. I have some questions to answer about the motivations behind the choices I make in my relationships with others and how I can get away from doing things out of a sense of duty or obligation. I want to meet you as a whole person. Ahhh (sighing)….there is so much I want to say to you in this moment. My eyelids are closing, though, and I can’t be asked to try and keep them open anymore. All told, the day might have been yuck but I will go to bed content with a greater sense of clarity and optimism for the future.

chicken soup

It’s been a full day and I am glad to step off the hamster wheel for a moment. This afternoon during my break, I received a great adjustment and it allowed me to begin to process two of the insights that I have gleaned from the day: A) Guilt serves no purpose in my life right now. I have no reason to feel remorse for the smile on my face and the knowledge that I am moving on from my last relationship. It is more than OK for me to be joyful in this moment. B) There are lessons to be learned by keeping silent and allowing others to speak their truth. I enjoy the feeling when I “get” something that we are learning in class and am happy when I seem to be riding the same train of thought as my professor. Today I had more than a few reminders that it is important for me, at this time especially, to sit back and hold my tongue. Allowing others a crack at guessing the answer to a question and that when I go too far in the other direction I can come off as an insufferable know-it-all. There is much to be learned when I take the time to listen to the insights of others even if I think they are mistaken in their reasoning.

So,…tonight I am making chicken soup from scratch – chicken, water, onions, carrots, celery and spices. Dinner for the week and an effort which parallels some of the choices that I am making in my life right now. Riding the chicken soup metaphor – some of my past relationships have resembled making a dinner of soup from a can on the stove. Others were a bit more slapdash – in other words a can of soup dumped into a bowl, microwaved and eaten standing up in the kitchen. At this time in my life, I am ready for the homemade chicken soup experience.

"Which one is yours?"

At the airport this morning as I stood and watched him walk toward the security check point the man standing next to me (who by the way bore an uncanny resemblance to Kevin Smith but perhaps a bit more corporate) said “this is always the hardest part of her trip”. He then turned to me and asked, “Which one is yours?” “The one wearing the hat”, I replied without hesitation. “The tall one?” “Yeah, ….the tall one.” We exchanged the kind of pleasantries two strangers do at 45 minutes past five in the morning and went our separate ways.

“Which one is yours?” How fitting.

It was an amazing weekend and I will probably spend the greater part of the next week processing with a grin on my face and his hat on my head. By the way, kudos to you, hon on your choice of gift. I dig flowers n’ all….this, however, is a much more fitting present all told. It is good to have a piece of you with me. Now if we could only work out that whole teleportation thing. ; )

In this moment, I am at peace. I went into this weekend with no expectations and was more than pleasantly surprised by the turn of events. I doubt either of us knew what we were in for…or then again, maybe we did. The Lord works in mysterious ways and if the universe can hand you a fortune cookie that proclaims, “Tastes like chicken” anything is possible. It’s good to be loved and to love in return.

A lot can happen in a year and a half. I have no worries and I trust completely in the process which is, at present, unfolding. There is time, and I have patience.

To the beautiful man who would trade his dominion over Lichtenstein to have my hand (but perhaps not France) good night, my love.

The man in black

This Friday I will be taking a good friend to a semi-formal party. He is flying in from the east coast and our mutual history takes us back to the summer after my freshman year in undergrad. It is a long and winding road we have traveled meeting here and there at check points in our lives but otherwise spiraling upward like a double helix. Just before my break-up I signed onto the computer and found him on aim. When I have work to do I usually just turn on the internet and automatically close down aim. It was a suprise to find him online and an even bigger suprise that he initiated a conversation. We talked for a good while, catching eachother up on events, and our respective goings-on. During the last conversation we had had (more than a year ago) I learned that he had gotten engaged. It took some reflection on my part, but I was willing to close that chapter in my life and I blessed their intentions to wed. When he IMed me, I was under the impression that he was a married man and was taken aback to hear that things had not worked out. From the outside it may seem that the knowledge of this prompted me to break up with my ex. In all honesty, it was a process of three months of soul searching and although this knowledge may have helped reaffirm my decision it certianly didn't drive it. So here we are back at the beginning again. I'm superexcited (my new and better word for anxious). I haven't seen the man in black for at least two years. We are both different and yet at the core the same beings who met through a mutual friend at an eat n' park, argued through the length of a grocery store and blockbuster and formed a strange and beautiful bond over popcorn and "in the army now". That's all I want to say right now.

A New Day

Last night I went to U of I to celebrate Diwali, the Indian festival of lights, with my friend K who is Indian (with a dot , not a feather - thanx Kel). The food was well prepared and the entertainment following dinner was great - a mix of prayer, music and dance. At the festival I met a woman and her daughter, Meg. Meg had just returned from Mali after doing a 2 year peace corps stint and was off to grad school in a matter of time. We had great conversation and I thank the universe for placing us together so that we could all share our bits of wisdom with one another. Left me thinking about travel and how it has been awhile since I left the country. Shortly after the exBF and I started dating we took a trip to Costa Rica. What an amazing place. I know that some day soon I would like to go back. When I broke up with the exBF he shared that he had hoped we would return to Costa Rica together where he had planned on proposing. Didn't really know what to do with that information but I certainly won't let the memories of our break up keep me from returning to Latin America. Meg and I seem to be of like mind - travel for the sake of immersing yourself in someone else's culture for a time. I'm not as fond of travel "with 50 % less fat and sugar" but wish to take the time to explore, to spend an afternoon in a cafe drinking coffee and talking. Breathe.
Mom called while K and I were on the road last night. She let me know that the exBF's mom called my Dad on his cell phone yesterday. Mom and Dad were hosting a dinner party at the time. God works in mysterious ways. Mom had some choice things to say and admitted that had she been the one on the other end of the line she would have said "Bi__h either you hang up the phone or I will". Apparently it took Dad 30 minutes to talk the woman down. From what Mom told me their conversation ressembled the voice message that his mom left me the other day. Sigh. I would like her to realize that I dated her son - just because she called me the presumptive daughter-in-law doesn't make me her daughter. I tried my best to work things out. It was never my plan to break her son's heart. I am not gleefully draging it across asphalt as she has implied. Her need to control every aspect of her children's life is disturbing to me - a choice I would not care to make. Bench yourself already woman. I feel like I should write her a letter to let her know how her actions are comming across and how I really wish that she would just allow her son and I to resolve our differences without her help. We'll see...if I do it will have to be carefully writen and well thought out.
On a good note I got my brakes fixed yesterday morning and my friend T stopped by the shop to keep me company. We haven't had much time to talk lately and it was good to catch up. When the car was ready we went out for lunch. He had his own perspective to add to my situation and helped me see where the exBF is comming from. T recently went through a break-up of his own.
With some good strong black tea in me and a conversation with one of my roommates I feel fortified for the day. It is a new day and I embrace it in all its possibilities. I am glad to be alive and grateful for the lessons that I am learning.

pensive lil'o me 

The Haircut

It's amazing how purgative getting a new haircut can be. Started growing my hair out a year ago for my sister's wedding. She married in July and now that the boy and I are through I decided I needed a change. Never fear....there's still enough left to tug on ;)

It's nice to feel the breeze on the back of my neck and oddly enough I think my posture has improved. If nothing else, my outlook is certianly improving. Photos to follow....

Bitter Fruit

And she wonders why I dumped her son. Sigh, doesn't she realize that her actions only make it easier for me to distance myself from this whole situation. As if I wanted to go back for a second helping of her poision ambrosia. Manipulation, blame, passive agression and a side of self-rightious indegnation. No thanks. I'm sick of and tired of playing nice. Don't call me any more woman.